Pamela Faith

Out of the 5 prompts, I want to write about this prompt:

2.) Divorce Dreams…a tempting alternative? A disaster to be avoided? Ever an option? Advice? What’s your take?

I had divorce dreams for a long time back when my older 2 children were very small. I even decided to follow through and get a divorce from My Sweetie. I had pictures in my mind about being able to work where and when I wanted to (yeah that happens when you have to schedule around daycare and taking days off with sick kids). I saw a house in my dreams decorated completely in pink and white (I was stupid). I imagined being in complete control of my future and discovering what I really wanted out of life. I thought I’d magically find a better Mr. Right who would cater to my every whim and support all my decisions no matter how small (very selfish of me).

Reality of divorce dreams: they become nightmares. I had to work my ass off to make ends meet. I remember thinking that My Sweetie was stingy with money (saving it for a rainy day). Many times I felt like he liked to control the money because he was the one making it while I sat at home with our babies. In the real world, shit happens and sometimes you need more money than your last paycheck. He was right about putting the money up and not spending it as we got it.

He was also right when he said that I should enjoy being at home with our children and not having the worry of paying bills. Once I was divorced, I spent many nights laying awake in the bed worried that if I missed another day of work that I wouldn’t be able to pay all of my bills. I hadn’t experienced that feeling when I was married. I took that part for granted. My Sweetie carried that worry (and he still does today) all by himself.

I remember divorce dreaming that I would be able to clean house on my schedule without someone asking me what I had done all day. (Eyes rolling)…every housewife loves to hear how it looks like they’ve accomplished nothing all day. Anyone with 2 kids under the age of 4, 18 months apart, knows that you can finish one cleaning job only to repeat it several times in one day, while trying to finish the other chores.

I remember divorce dreaming that I would be able to read every night before going to bed with the lamp on not having to worry about waking My Sweetie up. I could see the piles of books on my nightstand. In reality those books collected dust. When I was ready to go to bed, I was too tired to hold the book and my mind wouldn’t have been able to get into a book thinking about all the responsibilities that I now had on my shoulders.

My Sweetie and I were divorced for 2 years before deciding that we had learned enough from the experience to put our family back together. He no longer asks me what I’ve done all day. You see during our divorce, we split the time with our kids a little differently. Some of the months we decided the kids would stay 4 days with him, while I worked and then stay 3 days with me while he worked. I would come home from work some days and sit with the kids at his house, so he could get extra hours at work. We both got to walk in each other’s shoes.

I don’t recommend divorce, because it’s pure hell, but it was the biggest learning experience of my adult life. I appreciate not being burdened with the finances and My Sweetie appreciates someone else taking care of the kids and the house.

It’s never too early to plan out your homeschooling for the next year. Considering that we had a few bumps this past school year and had to change our curriculum and schedule midway, I thought it would be nice to create a more flexible school year for 2010-2011.  I know I need to plan for 180 days, so I have decided to scatter them out over 11 months beginning in July 2010. We are going to average about 18 days each month except for November & December 2010. I will be excluding June completely from our schedule. Princess and Motormouth are whining about schooling year round, but I think I can get them to come around to my way of thinking. I believe they’ll see how much nicer it is than regular schooling schedules.

It will also help with planning, I hope. With no baby coming (well there better not be) this school year should be easier on us all. I got a bit crabby around November and December of last year and the beginning of this year I was so sleep deprived that I didn’t even know my own name most days. It’s a good thing those 2 little people are old enough to read a planner and do the assignments on their own. I guess the alternative, My Sweetie, being the teacher helped to encourage a bit of independence.

Speaking of My Sweetie, he’s heading on a 2 hour journey with his parents to a funeral home. His uncle died a couple of days ago. I hate funerals. I haven’t lost anyone close enough to me that I see the point in dragging the pain out for days with a bunch of people slanging snot that I don’t even recognize. It’s cold and mean, I know. I think people deal with death differently. When I’m hurting emotionally, I prefer to curl up in bed and cry alone. I don’t like hugging and handing out tissues to everybody else. On the flip side, if it was (I hate to say this) one of my children or siblings, or people real close to me (not very many on this list), I would probably feel some kind of comfort to sit next to their body for as long as I could.

I try to wash at least 1 load of clothes each day. Several years ago I would do all my washing one day a week, but my Sweetie pointed out that it would be easier on me and less likely to stress me out if I would do it one load a day. I’m not so sure about how I feel on this. I never have clothes sitting in a basket waiting to be folded, but I always feel like I’m behind on laundry. So for old times sake, I washed a few extra loads and got my clothes sorter nearly emptied. I felt a sense of accomplishment in doing this. I’m not ready to do it all in one day again right now. My baby girl would make it impossible to finish. It took me all day just to balance my checkbook the other day.

When I got pregnant with my last baby and even right after she was born, I was telling everyone how I would like to have maybe one more baby before I call it quits. After many days and nights of losing sleep, I don’t want to think about going through all that again. If there’s one thing that I love most in this world (excluding my kids) it would be sleep. I’m an evil, loud, and mean momma without enough sleep. I will yell at you for even the smallest of infractions. I will try to ignore every plea for attention. I will try to hide in the shower and sometimes even in my van for just a few minutes of peace. I will eat more sugar and drink excessive amounts of caffeine only to become more angrier when the sugar high wears off and I can’t go to sleep (thanks to a baby who thinks that one and half hours of sleep at a time is enough).

My Sweetie, who doesn’t get why I can’t sleep at night, suggests that I learn to tune out the constant demand of my baby wanting to “lay on the ninny”. I’ve become so flustered lately. I even broke out the can of powdered formula the hospital sent home with me. I was sort of hoping that sky would come apart and angels would fly down from heaven singing hallelujah songs when my baby grabbed the bottle and sucked it dry then fall into a deep sleep for about 8 hours. None of that happened. She looked at the bottle full of curiosity and even allowed me to place the nipple into her mouth. She took a tentative suck, then another. Then she pushed the nipple out with her tongue and out come the formula all over her shirt.

We tried for several minutes before I had to change her wet clothes. This was followed by a very long nursing session on the bed where I tried to nap for a few minutes. It’s all coming back to me now why I hadn’t had a baby in 9 years. Unless I enjoy, which I don’t, the constant whining and crying of a baby, I must hold my baby and play with her.